Y'all, I'm incredibly protective over the ladies in my life: my mother, my sister, and my girls. They know this.
Jen (you all know Jen, right? I know, it's been a while) is dating the biggest douche I've ever met in my life! She has a thing for bad boys: Men Guys with a dangerous side to them. I've learned to accept that, even though I feel like she should be past that stage!

I could tell this guy was a fucking douchebag the first minute I met him because he looked like one of those guys who is really into himself. Super buff, perfect hair, and some disturbingly tight shirt that showed off the generic looking tattoos he had on his arms: the motherfucker looked like he stepped out of a poster for Falcon Studios. He was one spray tan and eyebrow waxing away from looking like a straight up guido!
Jen introduced him to us and he was pretty polite. He gave me a firm handshake and made eye contact. But I knew exactly what kind of guy he was and this is coming from someone who tries not to make snap judgements about people.

I knew he would manipulate her, make her feel worthless, take advantage of her, and make her obsess over him. As much as I love Jen to death, she really has no backbone. She puts up this tough girl front and only a few people have really gotten to know the real her. She's incredibly sensitive and emotional, who has gone through so much emotional torment and has developed a wall around herself. To be honest, she's a lot like me.

So, I never really said much to her when I met him except a few jokes like "I think I've seen him in gay porn" or "Who bedazzled his jeans?"
Then he answered his phone and that's when his doucherty was confirmed. I forgot exactly what he said but I do recall the words "Bro", "Fuckin' sweet" and "Tight" .

This was a couple weeks ago.

Well, slap a turban on my head and call me Miss Cleo because I must be a fucking psychic. The motherfucker cheated on her twice and after witnessing her cry and yell at him on the phone, she has decided to try to "work things out".
NO! WHY?!

I cannot fucking get through to this bitch! Going back to him is feeding his ego and making him see her as even weaker. It's not even like they've been together for years, it's been maybe 6 weeks!
This son of a bitch must have a vibrating dick and strawberry flavored cum because it can't be his personality . i tried having a conversation with him and I felt like I was talking to one of those robotic chat thingies that take the key words from your responses and come up with some lame reply(Don't act like you haven't used those before!)

I'm just so incredibly frustrated! We're too grown for this shit! I make fun of people who are in these sorts of relationships. I'm not relationship expert, but I can stop harmful relationship when I see it.

It must be amazing to be a musician. Aaron's brother is a pianist for a jazz band and he asked me to join him watch his brother perform.
This guy is so talented and you could tell he was really passionate about his music: this kid looked like he was about to bust a nut halfway through one of his songs. And I was looking around at the rest of the band. The bass player was pretty much humping the instument, the drummer was riding his seat like it was a giant dildo, and there was a point where the saxophone player just got down on his knees and started blowing some random dude (that part was a lie...)
I wish I had the ability to play an instrument that well to the point where I could get off on it. I mean, I can play my nose like a harmonica but people don't have respect for that kind of art.

Oh, and I did meet Aaron's brother afterward. He's pretty cool. He seemed a bit uncomfortable meeting his brother's boyfriend but he tried to be as friendly as possible and I appreciated it.

If there was a T-Wayne sex tape, would you wach it? I would. I like sex.

I've never realized how buff my mom is. She's got some major guns. It's actually kind of creepy. She was lifting something off the ground and then POW POW! These biceps just popped out of nowhere. I don't know why this is a big surprise to me... she's very athletic. It's kind of sad when your mom could probably beat you in arm wrestling.


Shit.
 

.... you mean to tell me, that Katy Perry and Tyler Perry aren't twins either? DAMN!

I had quite a strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was eating rice and my rice suddenly turned into pants and I ended up wearing those pants.

You know, the only thing that prevented me from going to med school and becoming a doctor *snort*, was the cadavers! I'm pretty sure I'd be able to deal with handling a dead body, but what if the body was actually someone I knew?
"HOLY SHIT! Is that Gary? When did he die?... Ahaha! I knew he had a small dick!"

Am I the only one who thinks Kermit the Frog's eyes are creepy as hell. Nobody thinks about it because it's fucking loveable Kermit. But just imagine everyone walking around with eyes like Kermit.

I might be going on a trip to SoCal for the holidays. I wanna go to Disneyland but I bet it'll be hella packed. I haven't been to Disneyland in a loooong time.

So Kella says, " I won't date anyone who's nipples are darker than his hair."
If you think about it, that kind of makes sense. I mean blond hair with raisin dark nipples doesn't look too hot. I've never thought about that. heh!

It has been so fucking long since I've spoken to my ex girlfriend(from hs) spoke on the phone, but I really just want to see her beautiful face again. I've missed her so much and it was great that we got to catch up on things.
Here was an amusing excerpt from our conversation:
Me: So, how did you spend your Thanksgiving
Erica: We just sat around. Started talkin' shit.
Me: How do you talk shit at Thanksgiving dinner?
         "What are you thankful for?"
         "Well, I'm thankful that I'm not a bitch like your momma!!!"
Sometimes, I crack myself up. But I should really stop laughing at my own jokes.... because I'm usually the only one laughing.
Oh, Erica. I love her. I'm glad we could still keep in touch and shit. If most girls found out their boyfriend was gay, I'm pretty sure half of them would either go off on the guy. I canst ne it:
"HOW YOU GON TELL ME YOUR GAY? MOTHAFUCKA?! SO YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED ME? I WAS JUST PART OF YOUR DISGUISE? HUH?! DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T LOVE THIS PUSSY! SO WHEN WE KISSED DID IT DISGUST YOU? WERE YOU FANTASIZING ABOUT GUYS WHEN I LET YOU HIT THIS? GIRL, HOLD MY PURSE... HOLD MY PURSE! *takes off earrings*
THIS IS SOME REAL SHIT! THIS IS SOME REAL SHIT!!!!"

I obviously watch too much Jerry Springer.  :/

You know.... I'm becoming less and less of an atheist every passing day. I start to recognize ho perfect everything in this unvierse comes together. Almost to the point where it's kind of creepy.
I see how beautiful nature is. How the colors of the trees and the sky complement each other. How the leaves know to die and fall of the branches of a tree in the fall. How blood knows to clot and skin knows to repair itself when you scrape your leg. How tears know to well up in your eyes when you're sad. How the air is made up of the perfect mixture of natural gases , enabling us to breathe and live.
People say that if there really is a God, we'd live in world peace... in "perfect" conditions. But maybe God's definition of "perfect" is a bit different to ours. I'm starting to believe that everything does happen for a reason and we might not realize it at the moment it happens but when we look back on it, things did work out the way they were supposed to.
God has plans for each and every one of his creations and he has lessons he wants each individual to learn.

So, yeah... I guess I do believe in God. When people refer to God as a "he"... it used to throw me off. I'd imagine him as a spirit or a soul. But to me, he is actually a force and an intelligence, that the human mind cannot comprehend because it is just that large and great.
Sure... science can prove things like why flowers bloom and why do wounds heal. But it's a lot more than what we see and what is happening right in front of us.

Okay..I better just stop right now!

Well, that got your attention, didn't it?

I accompanied Jen to get her nipple peirced a couple days ago. She wanted me to hold her hand while she got it done, but I was too much of a pussy and stayed outside to wait for her. She showed them to me later on and.... I honestly feel like I didn't need to see them. No, she has great tits.... but freshly pierced nipples.... just don't do it for me. They weren't done well, but she likes them so, whatevs.

Me: Hey, that's a nice shirt. Where'd you get it?
Adam: Oh, I stole it from TJ MAXX.

I don't know why but that was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I swear, I just started cracking up.. then I jizzed in my pants.

Some people think it's impossible for two gay guys to maintain a completely platonic, non-sexual friendship but I think Adam and I are perfect examples of a true, close friendship without any sex. First off, he's like a brother to me. Sure, sex has crossed my mind... but that's because I'm a horny perverted sex freak. I've thought about fucking everybody I know. Doesn't mean I'd do it!
Other than that toe-butt sex incident I'm sure I wrote about and occasionally being playful, I have no desire to do anything with/to him. He's my best bud. OKAY?! GOSH!!!

Britney Spears says there's only two types of people in the world. I think I'm actually a bit of both. hmmmm
Sometimes I like to entertain others and be the center of attention and other times I like to chill in the corner and just observe others like a creepy stalker. Does that make me weird?


 

I'm not making this up: I used to think Leanne Rimes and Busta Rhymes were related or married some how. Boy, am I stupid.

Well, I was at my cousin's house a few days ago, just chatting with her in her kitchen. Her son (yeah, the one with the pubes) was playing outside with one of his friends (who has the coolest hair cut! It's like a mullet and a mohawk in one! I've never seen anything like it. Just imagine a normal, everyday mullet with the sides shaved off. So white-trash but so awesome!)

The boys' friendly banter turns into arguing and then her son yells "WHY DON'T GROW A PAIR?!?!"
and the friend replies "MAKE ME!!!"
I dunno, I thought it was hilarious.
I love kids.
Ever notice how if someone says "I love kids" it sounds harmless but when you switch out "kids" for "children" it sounds all molester-y. "Oh, I love children..." *shudder*

I don't know why, but this whole day, I kept getting these old Will Smith songs stuck in my head. And I don't mean, Fresh Prince Will Smith... I mean mid-late 90s Will Smith. Like "Gettin' Jiggy with It" and "Welcome to Miami" Will Smith.
I thought my brain was going to explode.
 

I seriously need to lay off the Asian jokes. 
Today was black friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, and my mother convinced me to check out some of the sales, so I decided to at least look around. I wasn't going to be one of those freaks who sleeps outside WalMart, waiting to be the first person to rush into the store when it opens, only to trample and kill an employee in a stampede of crazy, caffeinated shoppers.
Anyways, I went with my cousin and we managed to stop by a few stores. and for some reason, I felt the need to say everything in my pathetic Vietnamese accent I wrote about in a previous post. But the problem was... the stores were jampacked with Asians!

So, I'd be joking around with my cousin like "onry thutty-fo' doe-lluh?! Haff off! Vurry good price". Y'know, just in my own little world, and I'd look to my right, only to see some asian guy looking at me like he's about to taekwondo my ass up.
I'm already so paranoid when I make fun of asians because my landlord is asian. What if he reads this?!
And Chinatown isn't too far from here. You know how those asian markets with the fried ducks and pork hanging in the window?... I don't want to end up as one of those meats.
"Hot, Fresh Ray w/ Sweet and Sour glaze" I'm sure I'd taste delicious though. :S

(Oh, my thanksgiving was righteous. I forced myself to watch football and fell asleep)

It's been a while since I talked about porn:
I don't understand why anyone would put a mirror on a porn set to begin with, but in this video I was watching there was a giant one hanging right over the headboard of the bed. Well, this guy was riding the other's dick and for a split second, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror and you could see him having a little moment with himself like "What have I become and why am I here?" Boy, it was one of the funniest thins I had ever seen.

current mood: lethargic

Can I be gay for a minute?
I just switched the brushes I use for shaving, and it definitely makes a difference.
I'd been using this brush that came with a kit I got from The Art of Shaving as a gift. It worked fine. I prefered the texture of using shaving cream that was applied with a brush than with my hand anyway and that's how I was able to get such a close, smooth shave.
But that brush was getting a bit jank and raggedy.
This dude I know told me his girlfriend works for a makeup company and she gave him this brush and it was the best/ softest brush he'd ever used on his face.
So, I eventually ordered one and I've been using it for a while. My hair really isn't that coarse so I don't have too much trouble shaving, but my skin is soooo fucking soft right now! Like a baby's nuts.
I'll admit that I'm cheap but I'm now starting to realize that good quality stuff is actually worth the price if you want decent results.

Next topic:
There was this party I stopped by at, to lounge around with my usual crowd. Then one of my friend's buddies approached us and kind of joined in to our conversations.
This has nothing to do with anything but I have to say, I normally don't find black guys attractive, but this guy was...WOW! Hottest black dude I'd ever met. Unfortunately, his attractiveness dwindled to nearly nothing as the night went on.
This is why: He was hella annoying. You ever been around someone who just won't stop talking to you, and you just start ignoring them but they don't get that you want them to leave you alone? He was that guy. And he cracked up at every joke I made. And he'd kind of repeat the punchline to himself while laughing. It'd be like:

"...tuna casserole"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA..he said tuna casserole..AHAHAHAHA!!!"
wtf!

He was straight btw. When he wasn't running his mouth, he was texting his girlfriend or creeping off to a corner to argue with her. cute
 

When I heard Prop 8. passed, I jumped up and down with joy. Then I stopped myself and thought about it only to remember that I wanted it to "FAIL". Passing is a bad thing...
At first, I was quite angry and sad but now I'm just disappointed. I had so much hope for same-sex marriage to be legal. I ignored all the "Yes on Prop.8" banners and signs I saw posted on walls and on lawns, thinking to myself that hopefully they were just a small minority of ignorant hicks who got incredibly lost on a road trip to Disneyland, found their way up to the Bay Area, and decided to plant their propoganda. And the amount of "No on Prop. 8" posters outnumbered the "Yes" so I actually thought there was a chance.

At the same time, I can't say I'm that surprised. I'm just kind of sickened by the thought of there actually being that many people in California, a pretty liberal state in our country, that don't believe equal civil rights should be granted to homosexuals.

I guess I can understand the whole religious aspect of it and keeping things "traditional" but to be honest, it's the use of the word "Protect" that I don't like. Protect marriage. Protect our children. It insinuates that there is some sort of danger associated with same-sex marriage.

I was on such a high when Barack Obama's victory was announced and this just brought way down.
I had a few friends call me and tell me how sorry they were. I was like, "Don't feel sorry for me... feel sorry for the state of our society."
Nahmean...

I am completely overwhelmed with emotion. I'm still shaking! And Obama's presidency was announced over an hour ago.
I don't even know what to say.
I was watching everyone's reactions on CNN and the amount of joy and unity that was being shown really touched my heart. I kind of wanted to cry. It's like one of those "you feel the tears coming but you just can't cry" feelings. Very annoying.

It kind of feels like New Years! People giving each other kisses, hugs, calling loved one's with excitement. And in a way... it's a lot like New Years. We're starting something new. We're ready for that change to make ourselves better and our nation better.
I don't even know if anything I'm writing is making sense. I'm in such a daze. I feel like I haven't even breathed yet?

Whoops... now the tears are comin! :/

 

*happydance*I GOT A STICKER! I GOT A STICKER! I GOT A STICKER! I GOT A STICKER! I GOT A STICKER! *happydance*

Today, I talked to my sister over the phone and we discussed the election. Then she brought up how irritated she was of seeing young people wearing Barack Obama shirts and how she wanted to pull some of these kids aside to ask them what they thought of his healthcare plans and taxation policies.
Isn't that just an asshole-y thing to do? Wearing Obama shirts is just a trend, leave the kids alone. I hate people like that. I mean, she's my sister and I love her, but it kind of pisses me off when people try to make others feel stupid like that.
I just responded with a "Aww, that's fucked up. Don't do that.." She doesn't listen to me. I bet she's doing it right now. 

Why is Kanye West singing? He has that new song where he's trying to sing and it just isn't working for me. He even has a newer single out and I don't know how to feel about it. He sucks as a rapper and a singer. 
Kanye, I know you read this. Stick to producing music. 
I don't wanna be the gay, white Kanye anymore! I'll be the gay, white Li'l Wayne or something.

How I know I'm old: I was standing in front of my refridgerator late last night scratching my stomach with my shoulders and back slumped forward the same way I remember my maternal grandfather and uncles did. GROSS. I caught myself doing it and I think it means something. I wonder if those kinds of habits are genetic. I notice I have a similar laugh and facial expressions to some of my relatives.
And I've started feeling really sharp pains in my right knee to the point where I can barely walk. I've had them for about two weeks and they'd come and go but  the pains have been occuring much more frequently and the pain is a lot more intense.
Feel sorry for me :(
                        

I forgot to mention in my last post that we got some trick or treaters. I can only imagine what the kids' parents were thinking when they saw the kids recieving candy from giant, stoned clowns.
"Nuh-uh! We're checkin that candy extra close when we get home."

Comedian Dov Davidoff has a joke where he says "Why do gay guys always look like they just smelled cookies?'
I found that hilarious for some reason.

Do I have dislexia? I wanted to ask my friend "Do you suck dick?" but instead I said, "Do you duck sick?" Ha!

I do a pretty righteous impression of a vibrating cell phone. It's basically Mooing like a cow but with your mouth closed where it's your whatchamuhcallit vibrating.

This is funnier than a mothafuckin sandwich:

You know those kids who come up to your door on Halloween night, dressed in the same "Scream" costume they've worn for the past 5 or so years, grumbling "Trick or Treat" in their deep voices, revealing that they're actually immature adults wanting free candy?
Adam and I used to be those guys.
But I felt like it was time for a change. So this year, instead of going into the city, getting drunk, and causing trouble, I hung out with Adam and a couple friends and got drunk there.
I actually dozed off after "cuddling" with a friend (with really comfy boobs). And then I woke up while she tried to push me off her and realized that I had to get over to Aaron's.
So, I made my way over to his place, expecting it to be the two of us to watch movies and smoke pot, like I had planned, but he had a few buddies over. They all had their faces painted like juggalos, which was kind of scary.
It was funny: Someone was at the door, ringing the doorbell, and there is a long window right next to the door, so one of the guys goes up and stands in front of the window, slowly caressing the window and mouthing the words, "I love you". I can only imagine what it'd be like to have some juggalo staring at me through a window like that. I'd probably piss my pants.
After they left, we just hung around and enjoyed each other's company.  It was a pretty boring but chill Halloween. I ate lots of candy, so that was cool.

*deep breath* Comedian Bill Burr has a joke in one of his stand-up routines about how pedophiles ruin everything for adult males who just happen to like kids. It's so true. I can't give a little boy a pat on the back in public without feeling like Chris Hansen is about to pop out of a corner to bust my ass.
So, today I was at my cousin's house for lunch and I go up to see my nephew who's in his room. I peek inside and the kid is completely naked, getting dressed. But the thing that makes it really awkward is that the first thing I notice is how much pubic hair this kid has. He's 11 years old (but looks 6) and he's already rockin a giant fro in his pants. When are kids supposed to start sprouting pubes anyway? I don't remember the exact age I started getting hair. I kind of just looked down and it was there!
Well, I felt really horrible and I tried not to think about it but that just made the image pop up into my head over and over again! Just arrest me now!

Remember back when people used to do Lil' John impressions? I miss those.
WHAT? OKAY? YEAH! AWW SKEET SKEET!  lmao
 

current mood: extra-asian

Paul F. Thompkins has always been my favorite comedian of the Best Week Ever regulars, but I'm not liking how they've turned the whole show over to him and how he's the official host. He's funny, but I miss all the little skits everyone else used to do and how every comdeians unique sense of humor meshed together to create one awesome show.

I was expecting Comedy Central's Chocolate News to be a lot less funnier than it actually is. I don't know why. I guess I've just been finding Comedy Central shows to be a bit disappointing. It's still a lot of the same old black jokes we've all heard but they still make me laugh.

I'm kind of embarassed to say this but... I also watch Chelsea Lately. I only watch the round-table sessions  where she brings guests on the show to discuss celebrity news that I don't care about. I don't really think Chelsea Handler is that funny... in fact, she's pretty annoying. But I like her facial expressions. :/

Adam and I thought it'd be cool to dress up as Hall and Oates for Halloween tomorrow, but just like last year, everything was just so last minute. Last year, I wanted to be Amy Winehouse (shut up!) but that just didn't work out.
What are you gonna be for Halloween, you bunch of losers. :)
I'll probably spend my Halloween evening with Aaron, getting ripped and watching horror films. If you haven't smoked weed and watched a scary movie while high, you're missing out on the best experience ever. Almost as good as having sex when you're high. Or going on a rollercoaster when you're high. Or even just brushing your teeth!

I made up a pretty awesome joke:
-What is Michael Jackson's favorite color? Little Boy Cornhole Purple
-Eeew! Cornhole's aren't purple.
-They are when he's through with them.

lol

My fridge is packed with all these random condiments and leftovers that have accumulated over time from me just throwing anything edible on one of the shelves. Well, I was feeling a bit creative today, so I decided to grab whatever I could from the fridge and make soup. I don't remember exactly everything I put in it, but I'm sure I dumped in some ketchup packets, those chili pepper flakes they give you with pizza, and probably some ranch dressing (I have this huge Costco sized jug of Ranch dressing! Ugh!)
Once I got it to a boil, I poured it in a bowl and slowly brought a spoonful of the "soup" up to my mouth, and lizard-tasted it with my tongue. I have to say, it tasted a LOT better than I thought it would. It was creamy and tangy, a bit salty, and I burned it so that was a bitch to clean up later.

I don't know why my mom bought me a pair of silk boxers, but I wore them. They felt nice to the touch ...before I actually put them on. I felt like I was slipping around in them the whole dAy. As silky as they were, they kept getting bunched up in my pants. And I felt like I should've been wearing another pair of underwear under the boxers because it's good quality silk and I didn't want to get it dirty. :/
Who out there is wearing silk boxers? I'm guessing it's more for show and not actually to wear under your clothes. Like how chicks wear frilly bras and thongs to look sexy for whoever they're gonna sleep with.

I've noticed something: People who frequent on LJ tend to be total losers. If you update or comment on livejournal often (at least a couple times a month), chances are you're a loser and suck at life. I try to read everyone's entries, even if I don't comment on them, and to be honest, no one's life seems too awesome or amazing. Everyone seems to be complaining or whining about something. Or writing about something stupid they did that they think is so cool.. like making soup.
And when I read people's comments on various communities all I can think is, "Wow! What a fucking, retarded dork!"
Hey, this definitely applies to me. I mean, my mom buys me silk boxers... and I wear them! I admit, I'm a loser!
But that's what makes this so great. I get an inside look into someone's life and mind. Someone I'd probably would never associate with in real life. :-)

and i happen to think losers are very sexy...